Tuesday, September 29, 2015

it's days like this ...ghosts come back to haunt me
through the calm sea threatening to erupt, gray skies weighing even heavier on my already burdened heart.
floating through the mist w clouded eyes, all too aware of the voices and sadness of hundreds just like me. awake in a dream.
the darkness burns brighter than the sun as it urges me to surrender. turmoil hidden beneath a tranquil surface, can bubble up at any moment and swallow our thoughts.
how can a life that never existed seem so real? how can it call to me w the promise of prayers answered. so seductive and sinister all at once.
willing to walk through fire and fall onto a thousand blades, just for that voice. those eyes that are sad but love w out judgement. unconditionally.
rising from the ashes, fighting your way through the ocean. no regrets or worries. take a life and save a life in one breath.
no one ever said it was east but it's worth every breath, every tear, every kiss. every yes to a million moments of opposition and heartache.
through storms and tranquility. love and indifference. I can never leave. my heart would never survive.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

More work on Dead Planet...finally!

I finally feel settled enough in New York to start working on Dead Planet again. I had been feeling extremely guilty for putting everything on hold. But I realized that I was putting an immense amount of pressure on myself and that was causing me to procrastinate even further.

I made it to New York and I've been here for nearly a year now. It's time. And I'm so very excited to begin working on this book again. I have some new and exciting ideas, including how I plan to wrap up the end so it will be easy to pick up on the second book when I'm ready.

I don't think I will post very many excerpts like I did previously because...spoilers;) But I may toss a few things out here and there for feedback. Thanks to everyone that has supported me from the beginning. I hope that I have a finished product that you will enjoy and recommend to others.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

living on dreams ain't easy

I read your words
and my eyes fill with tears
I can see your face and hear your voice
as your tales of being brokenhearted
and in love with a dying city burn into my memory
Attachments may not be your thing,
as you do not deal in absolutes
But sometimes I can't help but wonder if one day
I might be an exception
But then again, I have a pretty good imagination...

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Doctor: Raggedy vs. Real Life

I am fortunate enough to know the Doctor personally. He's not a Time Lord sort of Doctor, but he is still the Doctor, no less. Instead of a TARDIS, he has a black Chetak 4 stroke, currently out of commission, but still sexy. It has it's own problems much like the TARDIS, only it was the ocean, not the parking brake, that stalled it out. There is no sonic screwdriver, but he has the warmest of hearts. You would swear that he has two. After all, how do us humans manage with just the one?

This man is no Raggedy Doctor either. All Ben Sherman, suspenders, and of course, the bow tie. Doc Marten boots on the ground always. There is no Atraxi, no Daleks. Staten Island is his Gallifrey and I, at least for a short time, got to "travel" with him. Luna Pond, companion to the "Doctor", helping him when and where it was needed, until it was time to return to "real life". Where every event and every day goes in order, slowly, almost agonizing.

This "Doctor", much like the Time Lord is a hero, yet he refuses to acknowledge it. Saving lives and risking his own to help anyone in need without knowingly taking the spotlight. This is simply who he is, a man, a "Doctor", doing what he's meant to do. And the world, or at the very least Staten Island, is a better place because of him.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

I sat outside looking at the stars
Which I rarely do anymore
Drinking coffee and smoking way too many cigarettes
I noticed a few planes going by
And I felt this crushing longing
In my chest
I wanted to go back to December
When I was on one of those planes
Headed to NY, all full of anxiety
Knowing I was going to have fun
And actually be doing something
Worthwhile for a change
Here I feel stagnant, unmotivated
I don't belong here anymore
And although I know I'm leaving soon
I can't shake this nagging voice
That sits in the shadows and never
Hesitates to let me know that it's
About to pounce at any moment
It never goes away
I can't shake it, but it does quiet down
From time to time
Right now it is stifling me, breaking
My focus
And all I can do is sit back
And let it take over
I can't fight it because I don't have
The strength
But when I leave here I'm not taking it
With me
It stays behind so I can start over
Make a difference
Do something that means everything
Until then I'm just going through
The motions
Trying to muddle through
And keep that voice in check

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I've given myself away so much
There's nothing left for me
With nothing left to offer
I keep on giving
Worrying, obsessing
To the point of absolute panic
If my anxiety were to disappear
I'd feel nothing at all
Heart has been broken so many times
All I have left are scars
I don't have the strength to put up a wall and sustain it
As much as I want to, need to
I'd let go and stifle this pain
But I hang on for fear of emptiness
Misery is draining me
Causing me to lose myself
Yet I don't abandon it because I'd cut myself with a thousand knives or burn
Before I'd walk away and feel hollow

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Dead Planet: excerpt #8

"Fuck! We need to get in there now!" Han yelled.
Before he could even blink, Abby grabbed one of several trash cans on the side of the gun shop and shattered the front door to pieces. The sound of falling glass was followed by a shrill, blaring alarm that they hadn't anticipated in the midst of panic. As the three of them ran into the store, Abby covered her ears and barked at Han.
"We need to shut that off! It's going to draw more of them!"
Han scrambled around trying to find the alarm so he could cut the wires. Abby desperately cleared the shelves closest to the door, pulled them down, and blocked the entrance as well as she could. To her left were several gun safes. They were heavy, but Abby put her shoulder into one of them and pushed as hard as she could to position the safe behind the shelves. It would hold for a few minutes, but that was about it.
Abby's eyes darted over at Hannah who was frozen in fear. She walked over, placed her hands gently on Hannah's shoulders, and said as calm as possible, "We are going to get out of here, I promise. But right now we need to hurry. Hannah, I need you to help me by getting behind the counter and staying put. You'll be safe. Just stay there, I'll grab what we need, and we'll be out of here before you know it."
Hannah glanced at the shelves that were placed where the front door once was. There were several walkers trying to push past them. Hannah, still frozen, couldn't say a word.
"Hannah...honey", Abby said, trying to snap her out of it "please..behind the counter now! Trust me, ok?" she pleaded.
Hannah looked Abby in the eye and nodded, then quickly made her way behind the counter and sat on the floor, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them.
Han raced over to Abby.
"I can't turn it off!" he yelled, panicked.
"Doesn't matter. Just grab as much ammo as you can. We need some MRE's too. More guns if you can manage it. Then we need to get the hell out. That barricade isn't going to hold for long" Abby said.
Who knew how many were out there now. It didn't matter. One was too many at this point and more were coming because of all the noise. They needed to move quickly because soon the shop would without a doubt be swarming with hungry walkers and Abby wasn't even certain that they could reach the car at this point.
"Han, we may be in for a hell of a long walk" Abby said, wondering if Hannah would be able to keep going much longer.